"Sick Days" Movie Marathon (Part 1)

Every year, I make a point to watch and update my "sick days" movie marathon. Like all other lists in the world, mine gets updated, too: I have removed and added some films and there are those that remain since I "created" the list (I only mention them in passing to people). The purpose of the list was to accompany me while I recuperate from an illness. However, since I don't get sick that often now, it became a list of my favorite movies.

For this entry, I will list down the original 10 movies that started this list back in 2015, and a separate entry for the 5 notable additions I made since then. I will try to explain why they're on the list: why it is best watched when recuperating from an illness, and why it became a mainstay in the list.

So, without further ado, here is the list of my "sick days" movie marathon.

1) 500 Days of Summer (Marc Webb, 2009)

[The list actually started because of this and the second film after this.]

Story, in a nutshell: Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel) enters in a relationship where expectations and reality do not match.

A screenshot from the movie, 500 Days of Summer.

Why is this film on the list: When this list was created in 2015, I took the liberty of choosing films with a relatable story, with liberties in how it was packaged and delivered; and 500 Days was unlike the mainstream films dominating Hollywood that time: The time-skipping narrative not only created an effect of uncertainty, but also a modal tonality. We are wired to follow a story with a logical beginning that concludes to a logical end (linear narrative). With the time-skips (non-linear narrative), the presentation of the story becomes more of what Tom remembers, what he thought was happening within those 500 days with Summer; than what we see as the story unfolding in a logical manner. Rarely do I get to watch a non-linear narrative within a "slice-of-life" movie executed this properly.

Of course, within that tonality, the mise-en-scene reinforces the mood and recollection(s) of Tom while he narrates his story to his friends and his younger (and mature) half-sister: Sepia-like tones represent his rather distorted expectations (already explained in the movie as his mis-reading of the film The Graduate [Mike Nichols, 1967]) while the vivid colors represent the parts where he was most happy. The neutral tones are, as expected, the normal ones. Not surprisingly, most of the neutral-tone scenes involve Summer, up until the 290th day where Summer ended their "relationship".

The film not only grips the audience with its timeline but also on who they should think who had the "right" perception/perspective about relationships. To understand this, there are two references in the film crucial to understanding Tom's way of thinking: one is the book The Architecture of Happiness (de Botton, 2006, Pantheon Books) and the aforementioned The Graduate. 

The Architecture of Happiness is a book of philosophical musing(s) of Alain de Botton about architecture and psychology in which he postulates that architecture has a profound effect on the well-being of humans. As such, his views on design are quite rudimentary (as a philosopher would, than an aesthetician [not the skin-care specialist!]) and the connections de Botton make for linking happiness and architecture tend to overlook why styles of architecture had to develop. Nevertheless, his views made a basic assumption that can be agreed upon, especially for those familiar with the language of design.

In the film, Tom said to Summer that de Botton's book is his favorite. It was a symbolic gesture for Tom to give Summer a copy when they met again after they broke up (the iconic "expectations vs reality" scene.) When asked by one of Summer's guests about why Tom chose to write greeting cards instead of practicing architecture, Tom replied (non-verbatim) "why make something disposable like a building when we can make something permanent, like a greeting card". This quote reflects the same logic of de Botton's book where the criticism of architecture's effect on human emotions lie on its permanence which cascades to its inherent property: design.

A plot device used about twice in the film was the park bench view of the Angel's Knoll in Los Angeles. When Tom took Summer to the bench, he noted that it was a nice view that he gets to see the beautiful buildings of LA. Summer then noted a parking lot that Tom did not notice until she pointed it out. It was also used again during Tom's meeting with Autumn in the last scene of the film where Autumn said it more clearly: "You must have not been looking"

Throughout the last few minutes of the film, there is some reference to destiny that would imply everything that happened to Summer and Tom was designed to be that way, and that when they both met their respective flames, that was designed to be that way, as well.

The Graduate is a 1967 film directed by Mike Nichols and stars the young Dustin Hoffman as Benjamin Braddock, a recent bachelor's degree graduate. The story revolves around him and his affair with a certain Mrs. Robinson and his relationship with Mrs. Robinson's daughter, Elaine. In 500 Days, it was explained that Tom was moved by the story of The Graduate; reading it as a fairy tale of true love. However, when he watched it with Summer, she was moved to tears. Not knowing why this happened, it became clear to him once they had their final talk in Tom's favorite spot in Los Angeles.

These two references are often overlooked by those who have watched the film. It is crucial, therefore, to keep in mind that the character development of Tom (the focus of the film) revolves around his understanding of de Botton and Nichols's works. Unfortunately, for Summer, the film did not exactly explain how her character developed, even as a short snippet in the timeline. We only get to see the film in the perspective of Tom.

2) Byosoku 5cm (5 centimeters per second) [Makoto Shinkai, 2007)

Story, in a nutshell: The three-part story revolves around Takaki Tono (VA: Kenji Mizuhashi) growing up to rekindle an old flame in the person of Akari Shinohara (VA: Yoshimi Kondo, Ayaka Onouei). The subtitle says it all: a chain of short stories about their distance.

One of 5cm's many wallpaper-quality scenes.

Why is this film on the list: Two things come to mind every time someone mentions 5cm: story and art. Makoto Shinkai, a literature major, is very successful in transforming an innocent child's naivety into a full-blown adult expectation. That's not all, the gorgeous backdrops provide quality computer screen wallpapers (the shot above is currently my computer wallpaper!)

The story is faithful to the reality of growing up with (and without) a childhood crush, amidst the realities surrounding them particularly the rapid advancement of communication technology. In the first part, their correspondence was limited to letters and a telephone call. Then the second part introduces the cellular phone in which Takaki, in an iconic scene in that part, composes a text message addressed to no one (implying his intention to send it to Akari despite not knowing her contact information.) The third part introduces the Internet and e-mail. 

Of course, we are led to see Takaki's character develop from his early childhood until his 20-something, with a childhood promise he made with Akari that they will see the cherry blossoms again. We get to see the pain of expecting and hoping in Takaki's behavior which ultimately arrived at the last part of the film. This is compounded and complemented by the hit song "One More Time One More Chance" (Masayoshi Yamazaki, 1997) that intensifies the longing Takaki feels for Akari and concludes at the most iconic scene of the whole film:

The crossroads scene.

Like 500 Days of Summer, 5cm/s is a visual masterpiece. The colors evoke different emotions and the story devices (science stuff and distance) make this movie a good start to recover from an illness. Of course, to really appreciate this, one must be sensitive enough to cry throughout the film. Bring tissues.

3) The Science of Sleep (Michel Gondry, 2006)

[The first of two Gondry films on this list.]

Story, in a nutshell: Stephane (Gael Garcia Bernal), an artist, could not get a grip of what's real and what is in his head. He meets Stephanie (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and forms a relationship with her.

Gael Garcia Bernal and Charlotte Gainsbourg in The Science of Sleep

Why is this film on the list: The film is deliciously surreal. The visual elements (mise-en-scene) and the way the characters interact are comedic, bordering on chaotic. Many of the scenes in the film come from different inspirations and real "hallucinations" or childhood visuals by Gondry. It is worth noting that Gondry is famous for directing music videos in the 90s (notable example: "Around the World" by Daft Punk) and his excellent manipulation of visual elements makes his films a sight to behold.

While the story is not as gripping as 500 Days and 5cm/s (it is still coherent, unlike other Surreal films), The Science of Sleep nevertheless holds on its own as a trip on the workings of the human mind. This complements well with Gondry's visual takes and simple, yet effective, use of props.

4) Blue is the Warmest Color (La Vie d'Adele) [Abdellatif Kechiche, 2013]

Story, in a nutshell: Adele (Adele Exarchopoulos) and Emma (Lea Seydoux) form a relationship in spite of their struggles as a lesbian couple.

Exarchopoulos and Seydoux

Why is this film on the list: It portrays the struggles of a lesbian couple. Or, at the very least, Adele's exploration of her sexuality. Typical of French movies, the visuals tend to be a literary device in itself. But, before I go into that, it must be noted that the story the film was based on (a graphic novel by Julie Maroh) is equally heartbreaking and is a must-read... it must also be noted that at least 2/3 of the film is faithful to the story of the graphic novel. The remaining third, well, I don't want to spoil.

As such, the graphic novel may also serve as the storyboard of the film. Many of the scenes in the film were recreations of the panels in the graphic novel. However, some devices are exclusive to the film. 

Pasta eating!

There are at least two scenes where pasta is served in the movie. While this is not significant in the plot, it acts as a sort of MacGuffin. And, god, those eating scenes are meticulously shot. The portrayal of Emma and Adele, in the film, as opposed to the graphic novel, shows the class divide between them. Of course, one should not separate the underlying political, economic, and social dimensions of the LGBT+ struggle, and this film, in a subtle way, shows us exactly that.

Emma comes from a wealthy family and her parents are, at best, open to Emma being a lesbian. Adele, on the other hand, is the complete opposite: lower-middle class, strict father, a somehow open mother, and comes from a background that does not really appreciate art. These contradicting values would also set the stage for majority of their struggles as a couple, while also providing a hint that they really do not care about what they are as they try to overcome their differences.

Ultimately, La Vie... takes us on a journey that fills the mind with questions. This is completely different from the graphic novel which has answers.

[Disclaimer: I am aware that Kechiche received backlash about his direction of this film. The inclusion of the film in this list was made before I even read the backlash against him. In the meta-context of the film, it does add a dimension of appropriation and misrepresentation of the LGBT+ struggle by reducing them to mere objects of the gaze.]

5) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Michel Gondry, 2004)

Story, in a nutshell: Joel (Jim Carrey) and Clementine (Kate Winslet) are former lovers who try to erase each other's memories. The last remaining memory they share hangs on the line.

Winslet and Carrey. The iconic scene.

Why this film is on the list: Gondry. Non-linear narrative. Memories. Like in The Science of Sleep, the visual elements in Eternal Sunshine make use of Gondry's music video aesthetic. In fact, some scenes could be extracted and made into music videos (which can be also done with The Science of Sleep). The film tackles the issue of relationships and memories, specifically the imperfections inherent in all relationships. The bleak and sometimes overexposed scenes create the illusion of memories being washed away; which is a huge part of the story. The film also tackles the nonlinearity of memories as both the main characters try to hang on to the one memory they share.

6) Upstream Color (Shane Carruth, 2013)

Story, in a nutshell: Try to search for it in Wiki. But here goes my attempt: Two people's (Kris [Amy Seimetz]; Jeff [Shane Carruth]) lives were connected by a strange larva produced by The Thief (Thiago Martins) and maintained by The Sampler (Andrew Sensenig). They attempt to break free from the manipulation of The Thief and The Sampler

Amy Seimetz and Shane Carruth

Why this film is on the list: Mindfuckery. The nice (and true) ambient music. Carruth's all-in-one approach (director, actor, producer, score). It is one of contemporary cinema's best experimental films, if not one of 21st century's best. I actually have little to say about this because when I first watched it, I instantly added it on the list without knowing why I did so. But, of course, common with all the films in this list, the visuals are great. However, I'm more particular about the music. The haunting and cinematic moods of the score kept me in suspense, if not in a state of trance. As if I am being manipulated by The Sampler (a crucial character in the film).

Interestingly, Carruth's score makes for a good standalone soundtrack that is quite rare in this day and age. What I mean is, if I'm completely oblivious that the score was used in a film, I'd consider the music as something made by Brian Eno. One can usually identify a score based on an iconic scene from a movie. This one is not like that at all. Plus points for this great soundtrack.

7) The Art of Getting By (Gavin Weisen, 2011)

Story, in a nutshell: Coming-of-age romance between three teenagers: George (Freddie Highmore), Dustin (Michael Angarano) and Sally (Emma Roberts) which ends up in a mushy way.

Freddie Highmore in The Art of Getting By

Why this film is on the list: It is very basic in its story-telling, not as complex as the rest of the films in this list. But, one can easily relate with Freddie Highmore's character. This is a good pallette-cleanser after all the heavy films. As such, it has a special position in the order of films in the marathon (I prefer it to be somewhere around the 4th to 7th).

8) A bout de souffle (Breathless) [Jean-Luc Godard, 1960]

Story, in a nutshell: A criminal (Michel, played by Jean-Paul Belmondo) is on the run from the police and wants to escape from France with his American sweetheart (Patricia, played by Jean Seberg).

Seberg (right)

Why this film is on the list: It's like a philosophical musing about existence. French New Wave takes  cue from experimentation and the new philosophical approach called existentialism. It is no wonder that Godard incorporated the new philosophy and translated it to film. I did not add this to the list because of its classic status nor its existential musings. The film was added because of Jean Seberg's beauty and, during the course of the film, ambivalence, bordering on a strange mix of naivety and assertiveness. Her character opposes Belmondo's aggressive, always on-the-run character (well, he is escaping from the police!) that the movie became more of how the two will reconcile amidst the chaos Belmondo has gotten himself into.

9) Audition (Takashi Miike, 1999)

Story, in a nutshell: A widower (Aoyama, played by Ryo Ishibashi) holds a fake audition to find his new beau. He is enamored with Asami (Eihi Shiina) and starts to date her.

Eihi Shiina in Audition

Why this film is on the list: kuri kuri kuri... It's not the kind of sound you want to hear from an innocent woman. I remember watching the film when I was around 11 or 12 along with Ichi the Killer (also directed by Miike) and got the goosebumps. I included it on the list because of the thrill, being the only horror film on the list. Being a Japanese horror film, one would expect the heavy tension looming over the whole story, to conclude with brutal and stone-cold precision.

Miike's adaptation of Ryu Murakami's novel blended perfectly the way the actors performed their roles: The shy, silent twenty-something woman in Asami against the middle-aged Aoyama. Of course, the film also puts into a context where Japanese cinema was heading in this particular genre: it was also when The Ring (Hideo Nakata, 1998) was popular in Japan, amounting to numerous Japanese horror films during the last decade of the 20th century to about the first decade of the 21st century.

10) Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April) [Takehiko Shinjo, 2016]

Story, in a nutshell: Kosei Arima (Kento Yamazaki) a child prodigy, returns to playing music after meeting Kaori Miyazono (Suzu Hirose).

Suzu Hirose as Kaori Miyazono

Why this film is on the list: I added this very late (the list only had 6 as of 2017) and had already seen the anime adaptation which was released before this film. While the film was heartbreaking on its own, the anime was about 3x more. The inclusion of this film as the only one that has music as its main plot device not only implies my bias for music-themed films, but also the struggles an artist endures... being an artist myself.

This movie capped off the last time I got sick for more than 3 days. It suited perfectly with any mood I was in, and it sure made me cry every time I watched it (or the anime). Like 5cm, bring tissues.

Conclusion: The 10 films listed here are the ones that accompanied me when I'm sick. Usually, I would watch them as a playlist but recently, I could just pick one any day and enjoy them. To me, these films never get old. In fact, as of this writing, I cried for the nth time when I watched 5cm/s. Which goes to show the lasting impact of these films to me. This is in no way a recommendation but if you find a film here that you haven't seen yet, then you're welcome.

Thanks for reading.

Random Thoughts

Hi, I'm Anton. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to perform in front of you. If you're recording this, then I'm sorry to disappoint you: I'm going to give you a bad set. But, I'd love it if you laugh from time to time...

So, what's up? Good. Good.

Now, let me tell you something about me. You know, I'm telling you this like I'm writing my Facebook profile... “ABOUT ME!” Then, you'll see words like: “simple, deep, complex person” or “a music lover” pero, pinapakinggan ko Salbakuta. “Istupid lab!” But, you know, I'm telling information in front of [counts audience] around 5 people, so this is kinda like a public Facebook profile.

Something about me that I will write on my Facebook profile, eventually, “a misanthropic person.” You know what misanthropy is? It's basically just plain hatred on humanity. Plaaaaain and fucking simple. I have a lot of reasons to hate people. Really, I do. First of all, you're all here. Ha! Ha! Ha!That's one reason to hate. Instead of being inside your house, with your wife and kids, spending quality time... You're inside a comedy bar to laugh at YOUR stupidity. You guys are stupid and I hate all of you!

[If negative reaction] Okay, okay. I don't really hate you all. I'm just fishing for a reaction. It just so happens that, well, you guys are fucking assholes.

[If positive reaction/continued from 3^rd paragraph] Well, I really hate men who post their “well-sculpted” bodies on their internet profiles. You know, they're these dumb, below-70 IQ guys posing in front of the bathroom mirror, either pulling their shirt up to show their abdomen or a full-frontal show, points their camera at the mirror, or a 45-degree angle, shoots themselves, and uploads the picture. God fucking damn. It's an abomination. Every time I see one picture like that, I say: “Puta naman, p're. Hindi ko kailangan makita yung abs mo!” Then, I'll cringe on the hashtags: “#igers”, “#brofit”, “#gymjunkie”, “#bodylove”, o kaya, eto, putangina nung nakita ko itong hashtag na ito... “#'mirin'” Putang ina. “'mirin'”, amputa. Short for “admiring”. Inutil kang pekpek ka. Paki-type po nang tama yung salita. There's a reason why your iPhone or Android phone keyboard layout is QWERTY. And there's a reason why smartphones are called smartphones: it should not make you LOOK smart, it's suppose to MAKE you smarter than the machine. Okay? Good.

Instagram has become a circus. Everywhere there are different kinds of freaks. If you're posting on Instagram then you are either one of these freaks: the food critic, the sunset photographer, the “gym bro” I mentioned earlier, the feline lover, the fashion gurus and their fashion police, the cramming undergrad, the coffee shop couple, the pseudo-philosopher... you know, the one who posts quotes or one-liners from a book or author they might not have read and gets 10000000 likes, and, of course, we have the narcissist. Worst, if you're all of them at once! Post your Outfit of the Day with you holding a protein bar inside a gym with a stupid one-liner caption taken from a book by Coelho about cats while waiting for your significant other at 5:45PM and worrying about tomorrow's exams. Don't forget the hashtags! #ImANarcisistFucker #IwantYourAttention #PleaseNoticeMe #ImAnInternetLoser

The second reason why I hate humanity: you guys are fucking freaks. And, yes, I intentionally separated myself from... YOU GUYS because, well, I'm an evolved being. [After taking lots of weed and dabbled in the mystic arts and occultism, I have concluded that I am not your kind.] You know the reason why you're here? The reason why you're here is to laugh at YOUR mishaps, I'm here to fucking [make a popping sound] help you. You can add me on Instagram, by the way.

Technology has made us degrade. It's actually sad to say this as an evolved being.

During the Industrial Revolution, technology was just technology: tools to aid people in otherwise difficult jobs. Today, technology makes people zombies. I ride the train or bus and see majority of people looking down. During the '90s, if you do that in any public transportation, that means either you're asleep or you're praying for a safe trip. Today, it's either you're praying or looking at your Samsung Galaxy S5 or iPhone or your iPad mini. Both of which are fucking bad, by the way. I take a walk in SM and see people walking slowly, looking down at their phones like, you guessed it, a zombie. I also see people walking aimlessly while taking a call. Usually, this scene is seen in Makati or Ortigas. People! Reality check! Cellphone snatchers are everywhere. If you value your possessions, don't use your phone in public! Seryoso, kapag nakakakita ako ng magandang phone, siguro yung S5, na-te-tempt akong nakawin yun eh. Ang dali lang, eh: lakad ka lang sa likod niya tapos, SNATCH! Run like a nigga. Buti na lang at mga zombie kayo. Ang bagal ninyong maglakad. It's like watching “Thriller” again but in real life. I wish I had a handgun or pistol then I'll shoot their fucking heads. It's for a good cause, you'll thank me later.

One thing I really hate about these cellphone fucks is when I'm inside a public transportation. Lalo na sa dyip! Putanginang shit! Ang tahimik ng mga tao sa dyip biglang may tatawag sa isang pasahero sa cellphone niya. At, SIYA LANG YUNG MAINGAY DOON.

“HELLO? HELLO? JUNJUN? JUNJUN! PAKIDALA NGA YUNG PAPELES SA CITY HALL. KAILANGAN NILA NG PRUP OP OTENTISITI OP BERT. HELLO? HELLO? Binaba na.”

Sa LRT o MRT, iba naman. Mas may dating.

“Hello? Sir, hindi ko pa po naibibigay ang recommendation letter kay chairman. Idadaan ko pa po sa HR yun. Salamat po.”

Kita ninyo yung ipinagkaiba ng dalawa?

One time, I was walking along Aurora Boulevard and I nearly got shanked by some squatters, or, as an evloved being, I call them plebeians. I thought to myself, “why did it have to be me?” Sudden realizations happened that night. One: I was wearing my turtleneck shirt and bad-ass black faux leather jacket. Two: I was walking along Sta. Mesa, Manila. One of the most notorious places around the Metro. And three: they thought I was a zombie.

Bus evangelists, man! What kind of shit is that? Papasok sila sa bus, prim and proper, maglalakad sa center aisle, tapos... “Aaaaaah... magandang gabi po sa inyong lahat, ako po ay narito para po ibahagi sa inyo ang kasabihan ng ating tagapag-ligtas, The One and Only Savior, Jesus Christ.” I think to myself, “Jesus fucking Christ! I don't need this shit!” Then, they will do that for 15 minutes, say from Ayala to Ortigas without gridlock. Bababa sila sa Ortigas, sasakay sa isa pang bus, before you know it, nasa bahay na siya... sa Fairview o Bulacan. Aba, tangina nito, ah! Nakalibreng sakay in the name of God. Salamat, Hesus, at ibinigay ninyo ang mga taong hampas-lupa.

These evangelists, man. I can't stand them. Sila yung tipong dapat sunugin sa impiyerno. You'll see one of these evangelists riding the bus then, suddenly, there's a hell-hole underneath him slowly swallowing him up. Most especially when he asks for donations... “In money or in kind”. Oh, sige. I'll donate my kindness. You know, I think that's the reason why I'm apathetic... I give too much kindness in the name of God. Wala akong pera, eh. Moral of the story: don't give your kindness to the Church; it will make you emotionless.

Evangelists in hell. That's a sight to see. Making them see their enemy up close and personal.

“Narito po ako para ibahagi sa inyo, Satanas, ang salita ng Diyos... ayon sa Roma kabanata 14 bersikulo 100, basa kapatid na---...”

[In dark, low voice] “Hindi ko kailangan niyang kagaguhan na iyan!” [Breathes fire]

“No, Satan, no!”

Then, eternal suffering.

You know, I have lost hope in our media. Yes, I do.

Did you ever notice this: our cultural capital is slowly declining. SLOWLY. You know, we have actors without talent, musicians without melody... politicians without dignity. All the right reasons to believe that every thing in this country is fabricated by... alas! The media! I'm a Journalism major, by the way, I know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know, even our news is fucking pointless!

I took the LRT the other day and some people from a tabloid company gave free copies of their product. When I read at the headline, putangina, totoo ito, ang nakalagay: “Kris Aquino, pati aso pinatulan!” True story, I have the copy in my bag. Kasing lala nito yung nakita kong headline noon: “Girl raped by 6 in front of BF.” It seems like tabloid writers are fucking Literature majors. Sobrang imaginative talaga ng mga isinusulat nila. I read one of the erotica stories in the tabloid and I cringed at the choice of words. Hindi siya nakaka-tigas ng titi. Hindi talaga. “Ipinasok ni Martin ang kanyang malaking ari sa namamaga at pulang-pula na kepyas ni Marie.” And, if you'd notice, it's always the women whose highly objectified. Let's dissect the sentence construction of that one: “Ipinasok ni Martin ang kanyang malaking ari” that's the first statement. No big deal. “Malaking ari”. Alam nating lahat na lumalaki ang ari kapag libog.

“Sa namamaga at pulang-pula na kepyas ni Marie.” Hmmmm... Well, I guess that made me hard saying it.

“Namamaga at pulang-pula na kepyas ni Marie.” You could say that again and imagine it. Imagine it.

A throbbing red pussy lips and horny clitoris being drilled by a big cock. [Makes clapping sound] Noticed how many adjectives and adverbs I used for the pussy? Two? Three? Against the one adjective I used for the cock. No wonder women can get multiple orgasms. They can say more adjectives and adverbs than men. “Oh my God! My tight, underage, throbbing, red, horny, pulsating, gaping, squirting, and hot pussy is gonna come!” And that's only round one.

I was raised in a liberal Catholic family. You know, we're so liberal, we have the King James Version of the Bible and The Holy Quaran standing side-by-side in our library. I can't help but think that we're going to start the second Inquisition.

People ask me about my religion and I say, “oh, no. I have none.” Then they will follow-up: “Are you an atheist?” or, if a Muslim asks me, “Are you an asshole?” I'll respond in the negative. Christians will have this mentality that it's either you're Christian or an atheist. Muslims will have this mentality that it's either you're a Christian or an asshole. Both of which makes them furious. You know, don't mess with both Christians or Muslims if you're not affiliated with them. The holy war is only for them and them only. I learned this the hard way.

I studied a year and a half in the University of Santo Tomas [chant “Go USTe!”] and I was the only agnostic in my block. There was a Muslim, a Born Again, and Protestant there but all the religious persecution was aimed at me and the Muslim. Imagine 51 students, plus professor, against two. We're at the losing end here. “Mr. Maza, please lead the prayer.” I would go, “uh, sir, I don't know how to pray.” The professor will then say, “Eh, bakit itong Muslim natin marunong magdasal ng Catholic prayer?” At that point my mind was blank. “See. If a non-Christian can pray our prayers, it only means she's a hypocrite. Oy, Muslim! Oy! Halika nga rito, hija!” I can only tell the horrors of their way. Suffice to say, I suffered both the wrath of the Catholic people and our only Muslim classmate: they blamed me for being an atheist and an asshole for not leading the prayer.

Muslims inside a Catholic school. It's like the KGB infiltrating the Pentagon. “I'll snatch your Papal Bulls for Allah!” Formulating conspiracy theories using Bulls and Pontifical documents. Muslims are ninjas, you know. That's why they wear a burqa. You won't notice them, too, if they're not wearing their burqa. It's like they know how to infiltrate their enemy's HQ. That's the problem with Christians: they don't have any other clothing to conceal their identities.

Speaking of conspiracy theories, have you heard of the Pontifical Secret? The Pontifical Secret is a series of documents sealed by the Vatican and shut off from the world. It contains, mostly, sexual abuse by clergymen. You can see how the Church reacts to sex: “Let's seal away these documents and read them from time to time.” Like a fucking erotica novel written by the Vatican secretary: “Let it be known, on the first day of November, the year of the Lord two thousand and fourteen, that Archbishop Giancarlo Luis Senosta, of Napoli, has inserted his long, eight-inch phallus inside the tight rectum of Romano della Totti, a five-year-old altar boy and leper.” Must be hard writing those words especially if you haven't had sex in the name of God. “Ooooh. Eight-inch phallus... oooh! Lord, I'm hard for you, Lord! Ooooh! These are words I've never written in years! Oooooh!” You'll see jizzms on the words “Lord”, “tight rectum”, and “five-year-old altar boy”. You know, that's the last reason why I hate people.

You guys are fucking hypocrites.

But, is there hope for humanity? Is there? I keep on asking myself this. Should I give a little hope for humanity? I should, right?

People who are here watching me rant about why I hate people, you guys are the only hope this world can have. I may not give any hope for my fellow men and the least I can do is to point out what's wrong. But, that's it. I'm detached from any emotions regarding other people. I hate you all but that doesn't mean I won't help you. It's up to you to make this world a better place. Get out of here and help other people. Give alms to those who need, no matter how small you give them. Give food. Let them in your shelter. Show them that they're loved. Because, in the end, we are a race that will never survive a nuclear holocaust. A race that will never survive a meteor attack. A race that will never survive earthquakes, tsunamis, typhoons, floods, drowning in the swimming pool, and car accidents. Love all the people. That's my adivce for you. Love all the people.

Thank you for inviting me here, have a wonderful evening. Goodnight!

[Gunshots]