So,
what's up? Good. Good.
Now,
let me tell you something about me. You know, I'm telling you this
like I'm writing my Facebook profile... “ABOUT ME!” Then, you'll
see words like: “simple, deep, complex person” or “a music
lover” pero, pinapakinggan ko Salbakuta. “Istupid lab!” But,
you know, I'm telling information in front of [counts audience]
around 5 people, so this is kinda like a public Facebook profile.
Something
about me that I will write on my Facebook profile, eventually, “a
misanthropic person.” You know what misanthropy is? It's basically
just plain hatred on humanity. Plaaaaain and fucking simple. I have a
lot of reasons to hate people. Really, I do. First of all, you're all
here. Ha! Ha! Ha!That's one reason to hate. Instead of being inside
your house, with your wife and kids, spending quality time... You're
inside a comedy bar to laugh at YOUR stupidity. You guys are stupid
and I hate all of you!
[If
negative reaction] Okay, okay. I don't really hate you all. I'm just
fishing for a reaction. It just so happens that, well, you guys are
fucking assholes.
[If
positive reaction/continued from 3rd
paragraph] Well, I really hate men who post their “well-sculpted”
bodies on their internet profiles. You know, they're these dumb,
below-70 IQ guys posing in front of the bathroom mirror, either
pulling their shirt up to show their abdomen or a full-frontal show,
points their camera at the mirror, or a 45-degree angle, shoots
themselves, and uploads the picture. God fucking damn. It's an
abomination. Every time I see one picture like that, I say: “Puta
naman, p're. Hindi ko kailangan makita yung abs mo!” Then, I'll
cringe on the hashtags: “#igers”, “#brofit”, “#gymjunkie”,
“#bodylove”, o kaya, eto, putangina nung nakita ko itong hashtag
na ito... “#'mirin'” Putang ina. “'mirin'”, amputa. Short for
“admiring”. Inutil kang pekpek ka. Paki-type po nang tama yung
salita. There's a reason why your iPhone or Android phone keyboard
layout is QWERTY. And there's a reason why smartphones are called
smartphones: it should not make you LOOK smart, it's suppose to MAKE
you smarter than the machine. Okay? Good.
Instagram
has become a circus. Everywhere there are different kinds of freaks.
If you're posting on Instagram then you are either one of these
freaks: the food critic, the sunset photographer, the “gym bro” I
mentioned earlier, the feline lover, the fashion gurus and their
fashion police, the cramming undergrad, the coffee shop couple, the
pseudo-philosopher... you know, the one who posts quotes or
one-liners from a book or author they might not have read and gets
10000000 likes, and, of course, we have the narcissist. Worst, if
you're all of them at once! Post your Outfit of the Day with you
holding a protein bar inside a gym with a stupid one-liner caption
taken from a book by Coelho about cats while waiting for your
significant other at 5:45PM and worrying about tomorrow's exams.
Don't forget the hashtags! #ImANarcisistFucker #IwantYourAttention
#PleaseNoticeMe #ImAnInternetLoser
The
second reason why I hate humanity: you guys are fucking freaks. And,
yes, I intentionally separated myself from... YOU GUYS because, well,
I'm an evolved being. [After taking lots of weed and dabbled in the
mystic arts and occultism, I have concluded that I am not your kind.]
You know the reason why you're here? The reason why you're here is to
laugh at YOUR mishaps, I'm here to fucking [make a popping sound]
help you. You can add me on Instagram, by the way.
Technology
has made us degrade. It's actually sad to say this as an evolved
being.
During
the Industrial Revolution, technology was just technology: tools to
aid people in otherwise difficult jobs. Today, technology makes
people zombies. I ride the train or bus and see majority of people
looking down. During the '90s, if you do that in any public
transportation, that means either you're asleep or you're praying for
a safe trip. Today, it's either you're praying or looking at your
Samsung Galaxy S5 or iPhone or your iPad mini. Both of which are
fucking bad, by the way. I take a walk in SM and see people walking
slowly, looking down at their phones like, you guessed it, a zombie.
I also see people walking aimlessly while taking a call. Usually,
this scene is seen in Makati or Ortigas. People! Reality check!
Cellphone snatchers are everywhere. If you value your possessions,
don't use your phone in public! Seryoso, kapag nakakakita ako ng
magandang phone, siguro yung S5, na-te-tempt akong nakawin yun eh.
Ang dali lang, eh: lakad ka lang sa likod niya tapos, SNATCH! Run
like a nigga. Buti na lang at mga zombie kayo. Ang bagal ninyong
maglakad. It's like watching “Thriller” again but in real life. I
wish I had a handgun or pistol then I'll shoot their fucking heads.
It's for a good cause, you'll thank me later.
One
thing I really hate about these cellphone fucks is when I'm inside a
public transportation. Lalo na sa dyip! Putanginang shit! Ang tahimik
ng mga tao sa dyip biglang may tatawag sa isang pasahero sa cellphone
niya. At, SIYA LANG YUNG MAINGAY DOON.
“HELLO?
HELLO? JUNJUN? JUNJUN! PAKIDALA NGA YUNG PAPELES SA CITY HALL.
KAILANGAN NILA NG PRUP OP OTENTISITI OP BERT. HELLO? HELLO? Binaba
na.”
Sa
LRT o MRT, iba naman. Mas may dating.
“Hello?
Sir, hindi ko pa po naibibigay ang recommendation letter kay
chairman. Idadaan ko pa po sa HR yun. Salamat po.”
Kita
ninyo yung ipinagkaiba ng dalawa?
One
time, I was walking along Aurora Boulevard and I nearly got shanked
by some squatters, or, as an evloved being, I call them plebeians. I
thought to myself, “why did it have to be me?” Sudden
realizations happened that night. One: I was wearing my turtleneck
shirt and bad-ass black faux leather jacket. Two: I was walking along
Sta. Mesa, Manila. One of the most notorious places around the Metro.
And three: they thought I was a zombie.
Bus
evangelists, man! What kind of shit is that? Papasok sila sa bus,
prim and proper, maglalakad sa center aisle, tapos... “Aaaaaah...
magandang gabi po sa inyong lahat, ako po ay narito para po ibahagi
sa inyo ang kasabihan ng ating tagapag-ligtas, The One and Only
Savior, Jesus Christ.” I think to myself, “Jesus fucking Christ!
I don't need this shit!” Then, they will do that for 15 minutes,
say from Ayala to Ortigas without gridlock. Bababa sila sa Ortigas,
sasakay sa isa pang bus, before you know it, nasa bahay na siya... sa
Fairview o Bulacan. Aba, tangina nito, ah! Nakalibreng sakay in the
name of God. Salamat, Hesus, at ibinigay ninyo ang mga taong
hampas-lupa.
These
evangelists, man. I can't stand them. Sila yung tipong dapat sunugin
sa impiyerno. You'll see one of these evangelists riding the bus
then, suddenly, there's a hell-hole underneath him slowly swallowing
him up. Most especially when he asks for donations... “In money or
in kind”. Oh, sige. I'll donate my kindness. You know, I think
that's the reason why I'm apathetic... I give too much kindness in
the name of God. Wala akong pera, eh. Moral of the story: don't give
your kindness to the Church; it will make you emotionless.
Evangelists
in hell. That's a sight to see. Making them see their enemy up close
and personal.
“Narito
po ako para ibahagi sa inyo, Satanas, ang salita ng Diyos... ayon sa
Roma kabanata 14 bersikulo 100, basa kapatid na---...”
[In
dark, low voice] “Hindi ko kailangan niyang kagaguhan na iyan!”
[Breathes fire]
“No,
Satan, no!”
Then,
eternal suffering.
You
know, I have lost hope in our media. Yes, I do.
Did
you ever notice this: our cultural capital is slowly declining.
SLOWLY. You know, we have actors without talent, musicians without
melody... politicians without dignity. All the right reasons to
believe that every thing in this country is fabricated by... alas!
The media! I'm a Journalism major, by the way, I know what the fuck
I'm talking about. You know, even our news is fucking pointless!
I
took the LRT the other day and some people from a tabloid company
gave free copies of their product. When I read at the headline,
putangina, totoo ito, ang nakalagay: “Kris Aquino, pati aso
pinatulan!” True story, I have the copy in my bag. Kasing lala nito
yung nakita kong headline noon: “Girl raped by 6 in front of BF.”
It seems like tabloid writers are fucking Literature majors. Sobrang
imaginative talaga ng mga isinusulat nila. I read one of the erotica
stories in the tabloid and I cringed at the choice of words. Hindi
siya nakaka-tigas ng titi. Hindi talaga. “Ipinasok ni Martin ang
kanyang malaking ari sa namamaga at pulang-pula na kepyas ni Marie.”
And, if you'd notice, it's always the women whose highly objectified.
Let's dissect the sentence construction of that one: “Ipinasok ni
Martin ang kanyang malaking ari” that's the first statement. No big
deal. “Malaking ari”. Alam nating lahat na lumalaki ang ari kapag
libog.
“Sa
namamaga at pulang-pula na kepyas ni Marie.” Hmmmm... Well, I guess
that made me hard saying it.
“Namamaga
at pulang-pula na kepyas ni Marie.” You could say that again and
imagine it. Imagine it.
A
throbbing red pussy lips and horny clitoris being drilled by a big
cock. [Makes clapping sound] Noticed how many adjectives and adverbs
I used for the pussy? Two? Three? Against the one adjective I used
for the cock. No wonder women can get multiple orgasms. They can say
more adjectives and adverbs than men. “Oh my God! My tight,
underage, throbbing, red, horny, pulsating, gaping, squirting, and
hot pussy is gonna come!” And that's only round one.
I
was raised in a liberal Catholic family. You know, we're so liberal,
we have the King James Version of the Bible and The Holy Quaran
standing side-by-side in our library. I can't help but think that
we're going to start the second Inquisition.
People
ask me about my religion and I say, “oh, no. I have none.” Then
they will follow-up: “Are you an atheist?” or, if a Muslim asks
me, “Are you an asshole?” I'll respond in the negative.
Christians will have this mentality that it's either you're Christian
or an atheist. Muslims will have this mentality that it's either
you're a Christian or an asshole. Both of which makes them furious.
You know, don't mess with both Christians or Muslims if you're not
affiliated with them. The holy war is only for them and them only. I
learned this the hard way.
I
studied a year and a half in the University of Santo Tomas [chant “Go
USTe!”] and I was the only agnostic in my block. There was a
Muslim, a Born Again, and Protestant there but all the religious
persecution was aimed at me and the Muslim. Imagine 51 students, plus
professor, against two. We're at the losing end here. “Mr. Maza,
please lead the prayer.” I would go, “uh, sir, I don't know how
to pray.” The professor will then say, “Eh, bakit itong Muslim
natin marunong magdasal ng Catholic prayer?” At that point my mind
was blank. “See. If a non-Christian can pray our prayers, it only
means she's a hypocrite. Oy, Muslim! Oy! Halika nga rito, hija!” I
can only tell the horrors of their way. Suffice to say, I suffered
both the wrath of the Catholic people and our only Muslim classmate:
they blamed me for being an atheist and an asshole for not leading
the prayer.
Muslims
inside a Catholic school. It's like the KGB infiltrating the
Pentagon. “I'll snatch your Papal Bulls for Allah!” Formulating
conspiracy theories using Bulls and Pontifical documents. Muslims are
ninjas, you know. That's why they wear a burqa. You won't notice
them, too, if they're not wearing their burqa. It's like they know
how to infiltrate their enemy's HQ. That's the problem with
Christians: they don't have any other clothing to conceal their
identities.
Speaking
of conspiracy theories, have you heard of the Pontifical Secret? The
Pontifical Secret is a series of documents sealed by the Vatican and
shut off from the world. It contains, mostly, sexual abuse by
clergymen. You can see how the Church reacts to sex: “Let's seal
away these documents and read them from time to time.” Like a
fucking erotica novel written by the Vatican secretary: “Let it be
known, on the first day of November, the year of the Lord two
thousand and fourteen, that Archbishop Giancarlo Luis Senosta, of
Napoli, has inserted his long, eight-inch phallus inside the tight
rectum of Romano della Totti, a five-year-old altar boy and leper.”
Must be hard writing those words especially if you haven't had sex in
the name of God. “Ooooh. Eight-inch phallus... oooh! Lord, I'm hard
for you, Lord! Ooooh! These are words I've never written in years!
Oooooh!” You'll see jizzms on the words “Lord”, “tight
rectum”, and “five-year-old altar boy”. You know, that's the
last reason why I hate people.
You
guys are fucking hypocrites.
But,
is there hope for humanity? Is there? I keep on asking myself this.
Should I give a little hope for humanity? I should, right?
People
who are here watching me rant about why I hate people, you guys are
the only hope this world can have. I may not give any hope for my
fellow men and the least I can do is to point out what's wrong. But,
that's it. I'm detached from any emotions regarding other people. I
hate you all but that doesn't mean I won't help you. It's up to you
to make this world a better place. Get out of here and help other
people. Give alms to those who need, no matter how small you give
them. Give food. Let them in your shelter. Show them that they're
loved. Because, in the end, we are a race that will never survive a
nuclear holocaust. A race that will never survive a meteor attack. A
race that will never survive earthquakes, tsunamis, typhoons, floods,
drowning in the swimming pool, and car accidents. Love all the
people. That's my adivce for you. Love all the people.
Thank
you for inviting me here, have a wonderful evening. Goodnight!
[Gunshots]
